Side Trip, and other drables
by The Great Wizard Qui Quae Quod
Summary: A series of unrelated drabbles and short stories involving Bilbo Baggins during his time from "The Hobbit."
1. Side Trip

**General Disclaimer of Everything:** I own nothing.

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Side trips. Or: What really should have happened when Gandalf saw the ring of power.

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Gandalf recognized the ring immediately, when Bilbo accidentally dropped it into the campfire one night.

They all looked on in fascination as the ruins on it slowly lit up, and Gandalf turned pale in horror.

And so it came about that Gandalf borrowed the company's burglar and sent him on a little side trip.

"Not to worry, my dear Bilbo," Gandalf had reassured him, "All you need to do, is ride on the eagle until you reach the volcano, and drop the ring in. We should be back in plenty of time for you to fill your contract and sneak past the sleeping dragon."

Bilbo wasn't feeling reassured in the slightest.

Bilbo was a hobbit of his word, and he would do what he had promised to, but all the same Bilbo did not want to take any side trips. He had already had quite enough of adventuring, thank you very much.

Nonetheless, he climbed up onto the back of one of a pair of giant eagles, and flew off with the wizard. After all, somebody needed to go, and one does not simply walk into Mordor.

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An: PM me if you think of a drabble that I should add.


	2. Conkers

**General Disclaimer of Everything:** I own nothing.

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Conkers Or: Why you should never underestimate children's games.

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"Ax or Sword?" Thorin had once asked him. "What's Your weapon of choice?"

"Well, I do have some skill at conkers, if you must know."

The dwarves had thought it nothing more than a glib reply at the time. Or maybe that Bilbo hadn't really understood the question. In either case, they scoffed and mocked him for it. But they should have been paying better attention because Bilbo had been serious. Deadly serious; Bilbo was always serious when it came to conkers as most Hobbits were.

Now the thirteen dwarves and one wizard of Thorin's company watch in disbelief as the long string wraps round and round and round Azog's throat. His fellows are already knocked out and litter the ground like fallen leaves. The pale orc is turning purple now, and even as he reaches up to claw at the string at his throat, the nut on the end of it flies up and hits him in the head with a 'Conk'. His eyes roll up into the back of his head and he passes out. Azog falls off of the edge of the cliff.

"Bugger," Bilbo says, making the thirteen dwarves and one wizard jump. He sends a look of longing regret after the fallen orc. "That was my good 48-er. A few more solid hits like that and I could have beaten cousin Otho's record of 52. You know, he's been completely insufferable ever since he got a 52-er. Keeps making snide remarks and trying to move into my smial every time I spend longer than a weekend away."


	3. Not Half of Anything

**General Disclaimer of Everything:** I own nothing.

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Not half of anything. Or: When Thorin makes a near fatal first mistake.

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"So this is the halfling." Thorin said to Gandalf, ignoring Bilbo completely.

Now most Hobbits would have let it go. Or at least, most Hobbits would have appeared unfailingly polite while subtly insulting the big person that made the blunder, doubling the price of everything that they bought, and generally making a fool out of them.

But Bilbo Baggins was half Took, and very brash in his nature. He could not stand what he perceived as the greatest of insults toward Hobbitkind. Hafling, half a person, indeed.

"He looks more like a groc..."

"Hobbits." Bilbo growled loudly, interrupting the dwarven leader. His fists were clenched and he was shaking in absolute rage.

"What?" Thorin asked blankly. Bilbo's fist flew up and hit Thorin right in the nose. It broke with a satisfying crunch and the astonished dwarven king fell to the floor.

"We're Hobbits, and not half of anything!"


	4. Elementary, My Dear Baggins

**General Disclaimer of Everything:** I own nothing.

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Elementary, my dear Baggins. Or: The Dragon wasn't quite what they were expecting.

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"Tell Thorin that I'm willing to negotiate, but that I won't tolerate thieves." Smaug said.

Bilbo froze. Despite his invisibility, the dragon was looking right at him. "What?" He asked incredulously.

"I said, tell Thorin that I'm willing to negotiate, but that I won't tolerate thieves." Smaug repeated.

Bilbo stammered for a moment. Then he managed to ask,"But how?"

"It's quite simple, my dear fellow." Smaug told Bilbo kindly. "Judging by the skid patterns of the coins, the length of your stride falls just short of that of the average dwarf's and your height is also similar to theirs. You didn't think I leave all this treasure lying around because I like looking at it, did you? Now, you smell of dwarves and ponies, but you, yourself are neither. Therefore, you must have spent several weeks on the road with dwarves at the least. They must have hired you for something. Mining has been steady, metal work has not suffered, and the crops were good last year. The only dwarves desperate enough to risk a confrontation with a dragon are the selfsame dwarves that lost this mountain and were displaced from their home. I believe the oldest surviving member of their Royal family is named Thorin. Naturally he would lead any quest to reclaim his homeland. Setting that aside for the moment, the only naturally invisible creature in middle earth is the Urisk, better known as the Brownie. As you have not come to offer me tea, you are not one of them. Additionally, there are only five wizards in existence and you do not smell like any of them. Therefore you must be carrying a magical object that makes you invisible. This means that you are either an incredibly wealthy being, a lucky adventurer, or a skilled thief. Wealthy beings have money. Why poke a sleeping dragon when you can pay someone else to do it? Isn't that why the dwarves hired you in the first place? So you are not wealthy. Adventurers have at least minimal weapons training and they do a great deal of running in places with uncertain footing. However, your own efforts were clumsy and uncertain. Running is not a skill of yours. My conclusion is then that you must be a burglar hired by Thorin. Am I wrong?"

Bilbo trembled. "Truly, you have dizzying intellect, O Smaug the terrible!"

"Run along and pass on my message then," Smaug said with a smug smile. "I'm willing to negotiate, but I won't tolerate thieves."


	5. Respectable Hobbit

**General Disclaimer of Everything:** I own nothing.

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Respectable Hobbits. Or: When Bilbo has had enough of Gandalf's meddling.

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"And That's why we need a burglar." Ori finished explaining.

"And a good one, too. An expert, I'd imagine." Bilbo said.

"And are you?" Gloin asked.

"Am I what?" Bilbo replied, baffled.

"He said he's an expert!" Oin cheered, "Hey, hey!"

"Me? No, no, no." Bilbo protested. "I'm not a burglar. I've never stolen a thing in my life."

"I'm afraid I have to agree with Mr. Baggins. He's hardly burglar material." Balin said.

Bilbo nodded furiously.

"Aye, the wild is no place for gentlefolk who can neither fight nor fend for themselves." Dwalin pointed out, and the dwarves all break out into a furious argument.

"Enough!" Gandalf thunders. The dwarves subside in fear and awe, "If I say Bilbo Baggins is a burglar, then a burglar he is."

"Now, I say, Gandalf!" Bilbo protested, "You can call a stone an apple, but that doesn't make it any easier t eat! Now the truth of it is that I am a Baggins, and Baggins are respectable hobbits. They don't steal, and they aren't late for dinner, and they never, ever, run off on adventures! And the say so of some pompous- of some over egotistical - of some wizard!- is not going to change that!"

There was a ringing silence in the kitchen as the dwarves starred at the little hobbit in wonder. Bilbo turned very red in the face.

"I do beg your pardon," he said, "That was terribly rude. But I think you've pushed me quite past my limits tonight, Gandalf. Please allow me to show you all the door. Good evening."


End file.
